1. You may have illuminated my life, but darling, you are not the sun.
2. A couple tears for you, but baby, you know the ocean wasn’t built on your departure.
3. You know when the sun is out and it is raining? This is what loving you felt like.
3.5. My body was not meant for this type of inconsistent climate.
4. If loving me was a crime, you would be wrongfully convicted.
5. We both know we can’t trust the prison system, but even so, I will refuse to pay your bail.
6. You stopped putting fire to this passionate relationship we called love.
6.5. And now, I am cold hearted, I give you full credit for this occurrence.
7. Whenever I got injured growing up, my mother always said, “alcohol en las heridas.” Goodness, I never thought she’d be so right.
8. The moon will look at me fiercely some nights, she will have your eyes, but I refuse to be tricked by her glimmer.
9. I am grateful that you left in the midst of spring. Summer is far too hot to want another lover on my bed while I sleep at night.
10. You are not the sun, you are not the moon, you are a mere remnant of the past and I will chant this over and over to consume the memory of you.
I’ve been meditating a lot lately. I used to do yoga daily when I lived in Brooklyn and for some reason I stopped, but I picked it up about a week ago and have felt more at peace. A friend of mine asked me to describe what it is that I do, so here goes.
There is currently no furniture in my room except for a side table, a bed side drawer, and plastic storage bins and a whole lot of clothes. I lie a yoga mat in the middle of the room facing the one window of the attic and my laptop in front of me and start off with an online yoga class for strengthening my abs. Then I do more ab workouts and I meditate. This is the part I look forward to the most. I tell myself all of the things I need to hear at that moment, mostly that I cannot control people and their actions. I cannot control my own feelings. I can only control how I react to things. I tell myself what I don’t want; and that’s someone who doesn’t text back. Someone who doesn’t call me just because. Someone who doesn’t think to send me gifts (not that I am materialistic, but because this is what I do for others) that are meaningful. Someone who may hold my hand but doesn’t actually hold me. My spirit. My heart. I tell myself what I do need. I do need a car, and a new job, and to go back to school so I can work and not dread it everyday. I need to get in touch with who I am and who I want to be. I need to be present. In another person, I need someone that tells me I’m beautiful daily. Someone who reassures me of their feelings. Someone who I don’t have to question. Someone who lets me be crazy. I like to send multiple texts, I like to call again and again, I like to be comforted. I don’t react crazy for no reason (sometimes I do) so I need someone who can understand that. Someone that stays and fights for me. Someone that understands when I need to be left alone.
This isn’t me saying that I am not still trying to make things work with my boyfriend (not-so boyfriend. Very confusing situation.) This is me understanding what I need and don’t need from people. This is me connecting to myself more, and sometimes feeling like me connecting to myself is me disconnecting from him and everyone else. I think that’s okay.
To know what you want is to also know what you don’t want. That is another thing I have learned through meditating.
Sometimes, when I get upset, I almost feel like I’m having an out of body experience and I am watching from a corner in the room. When I feel myself leaving my body lately I tell myself be here, stay here. That’s usually all it takes for me to come back and deal with it. I like to run to places within myself and out of myself. I need to be present and be here. That’s what I’m trying to learn the most.